So, I started thinking about what I was ready to say goodbye to. Saying “goodbye” is so final. It means the complete end, to me. Others say it with no hesitation or second thought about it. It is so hard to let go of things and that includes things that are most hazardous to us. Whether it is drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or people, things are hard to let go of, to say goodbye to. I would like to say goodbye to memories or at least my current reactions to those memories. Without the use of electroshock therapy, I am unsure of how to do this. I would like to say goodbye to the intense anger I feel when I have thoughts of certain people. I would like to be able to say goodbye to some of those people. Somehow, my moral obligation negates the option of the removal of certain individuals. You shouldn’t want to do away with family members. I suppose in a perfect world you wouldn’t. Unfortunately, nobody lives in a perfect world.
A father who molested his daughter, a mother who chose the men in her life over her daughter, a brother who beat the hell out of his sister who bailed him out of trouble more times than really needs to be discussed. That was my world, and it was far from perfect. I would very much like to let go of that pain and hurt, but it’s a lot. I almost feel as though I wouldn’t know who I was if I didn’t hold on to all that pain. Would I even exist if I didn’t have that to hold on to? It seems that is all I am made of. Someday, I will be through it enough to see it in my rearview mirror and be able to leave it behind me where it belongs. One day, I’ll be able to say goodbye.