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Monthly Archives: June 2011

Mirrors

Mirrors in homes are primarily used for individuals to see how good they look.  Why not?  For some, it is as an easy task seeing all of the good things about your body and self.  That one little hair is out-of-place, “Oh, no!”  Easily fixed.  A smudge of mascara or eye liner in the corner of your eye?  “Oh, no!”  Easily fixed.  Do these shoes go?  Is my shirt tucked in evenly all around?  Do these pants make my butt look big?  Nobody in their right mind will tell a woman the truth about that age-old dilemma.  Malls, buildings made of reflective material where you can see everything good about yourself.  Ahhhh….isn’t that the life? 

What about the mirrors that others hold up to you….for you….about you?  An honest person will state that looking in THAT mirror is no fun at all.  An honest person will look, listen,  and learn because THAT mirror will show you your ugliness, your darkness, and your shame and guilt.  We all have it.  Not all of us admit that it is worth looking into, nor are some of us willing to admit that things need to be changed.  Carl Jung made the idea of a “Shadow” come into light :).  This is how Jung thought about an individual in this case:

Shadow

The shadow is an unconscious complex defined as the repressed, suppressed or disowned qualities of the conscious self. According to Jung, the human being deals with the reality of the shadow in four ways: denial, projection, integration and/or transmutation.[citation needed] According to Analytical psychology, a person’s shadow may have both constructive and destructive aspects. In its more destructive aspects, the shadow can represent those things which people do not accept about themselves. For instance, the shadow of someone who identifies as being kind may be harsh or unkind. Conversely, the shadow of a person who is brutal may be gentle. In its more constructive aspects, a person’s shadow may represent hidden positive qualities. This has been referred to as the “gold in the shadow”. Jung emphasized the importance of being aware of shadow material and incorporating it into conscious awareness in order to avoid projecting shadow qualities on others.

So, I ask.  Which you are trying to hide from people?  I would take a wild guess and say that it is the one “who identifies as being kind may be harsh or unkind”.  Trust me when I say that I have not always been willing to show my dark side to anyone.  One person.  One person on this Earth knows every single thing there is to know about me.  She loves me because that is who she is.  That is who God has led her to be.  I know things of her other side she chooses not to show others.  Choosing not to show that other side is not the problem.  Individuals acting as if  that other side does not exist is.  My dark side includes many things of which I am not in denial, but I choose not to show them.  I am not proud of them; however, I choose to look at them when that mirror is held up to me by one who loves me enough to raise it.  I raise to her as well.  It is give and take, after all.  Reluctance is a natural thing when we choose not to see negativity, the dirt and grime of who we are inside or have become.   People will either take you or drop you for your Shadow.  That will show you their Shadows.  I am willing to take good, long, hard looks at those negative, dirty and grimy things because I believe that if I do, I will keep the most important people in my life.  I AM WILLING!

Are you?

 

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Posted by on June 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

The Battle

What is it you can see in the light?  Anything you choose to as far as the eye can see, I’d imagine.  What is it you want to see in the light?  I ask myself these questions as I type.  Most people, I think, would state that they want to see piles of money, bigger houses and bigger cars.  If you would have asked me a while back what I wanted to see in the light, I  probably would have said, “My private practice full of people needing help that I can give them.”  I still want that.  I still see that as my goal, my dream.  Less pretentious and less selfish, I would like to see happiness when I open my eyes.  I would like to see no hungry faces or homeless people.  I’d like to see and hear children’s laughter like they really mean it.  I would like to not experience all that darkness that can disorient me into heading into the wrong directions often.  The darkness.  There is a peace in it….sometimes.  I’m unsure of how realistic that peace is, though.  It is peaceful to me because it allows me to be isolated and invisible.  I know better that those are not traits of a healthy person on any level.  The darkness,  Feeling hands around your throat squeezing the last will to live right out of your body.  The darkness, helping you forget that your heart beating means something to someone else.  The darkness, hand to mouth with a split decision to make.  Remind me again of why I find such an admiration for the darkness.  I know what it is.  At least, I think I know.  How can I possibly appreciate what I see in the light without experiencing darkness?  Or, more like, how can I possibly appreciate  The Light without experiencing that Darkness?

 
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Posted by on June 29, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Significant Insignificance

One of life’s simple pleasures…….I was able to witness a literal light show of lightning bugs (fireflies) in Pennsylvania during my stay.   This was different from just a few here or there like I had witnessed before.  When I couldn’t sleep, I’d stare out the window at all the lights in different places.  It was like Christmas lights flashing intermittently on rooftops or framing around doors and windows.  Christmas in June…who knew?  It was seriously one of the most beautiful “miracles” I have ever seen.  I could have, and sometimes had, watched those things for hours.  There’s no real importance to this blog other than I like when I can see how the smallest of things can make my heart so very happy.  I’d like to think that’s what God had planned all along.

 
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Posted by on June 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

A Doormat, A Roller Coaster, and A Conundrum

Here it is. I’m taking responsibility for being a doormat at my very own Victims – R – Us store. I sit here taking up space. I do not speak up to most people when they treat me poorly in one way or another. I do not have faith in myself. I do not trust myself. I do not love myself. I could blame my pitiful submissiveness on how I was raised, but I will not. I mean, I was abused in every form when I was growing up. I did not allow it then, but I do now. Why?! That’s a good question right? It is what I know. It is my comfort zone. Sometimes I can feel a pair begin to grow, and then they shrivel up and fall off. I do not stand up to those who “love” me. I do not stand up to those who do not love me. I talk a big game, but that is about all there is right now. I do not blame anyone else for treating me poorly because I do allow it. It sickens me. It causes a roller coaster of feelings in my stomach, my head, and my heart. I taste the bitterness of “Just let people say or do whatever, and then it will be ok”. I feel like that roller coaster is stuck upside down on one of the loops. I am being held in by support, but I am afraid of what will happen to me when that support gets too tried and worn. I feel very much like the imposition, the burden if you will, in everyone’s life. I hear the words that I am loved, but if actions are not seen, are those words real? Where and when do I draw the line in the sand? What do I want? I know, on paper, how to not allow myself to be a victim any longer. I know how to tell others about not being victims any longer. I would like to say it is different for me, but there are those who disagree. Loudly.

 

I fantasize about cold, shiny, and sharp objects slicing my skin like a hot knife through butter. I fantasize about the life inside oozing out of me one drop at a time. I am a hoarder of sorts. I hoard all the negativity, the piles of others’ shit that they throw at me, and I take it and make neat new piles in case I ever get a glimpse of light. You know how there are some kids who will do anything to get attention whether it be good or bad? I believe I will do anything to get love whether it is real or not. Tomorrow I may read this and wonder what in God’s good name was I thinking writing this stuff. If I do not get it out, it will eat away at me like acid disintegrating skin and flesh. My heart has had enough. The real conundrum rests in the question, “What am I willing to do about it?”. I am used to doing nothing. I want to not feel this bad anymore. It is comfortable just accepting what people will give me. It is scary to stand up for myself and the young one that was so tortured many years ago. I have work to do; however, do I have the guts? To be continued….

 
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Posted by on June 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

 
 
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