Monthly Archives: August 2011

I’m Listening

When I stopped following, others disapproved in one way or another.  They did not like the change in me.  It is a most recent change for some.  I have noticed that those who used to have me under their thumbs  are hateful and spiteful.  I suppose I always knew they were, but I stayed a follower out of loyalty or duty or something.  I am unsure of how to word that correctly right now.  Maybe that was the correct way, though.  Those newer in my life do not expect me to follow.  They want to walk side by side with me.  They want to hold my hand and walk into whatever darkness or light together.  I know they will still be holding my hand once we leave those places.  Those who have lost me have done so due to their own behaviors.  Some were gone way before this realization.  Most will refuse to take any responsibility for their parts.  I know this to be true.  I have experienced this for too many years.  I seem to have control over others to “make” them do or feel things.  I never realized I had that much power.  If only I would have used it for good instead of evil.  Drats!  I feel like I am rambling.  Maybe I am, but it is my blog, afterall.  I honestly do not want to sound bitter or hateful out of my pulverized heart and hurt.  Maybe I have not tried hard enough.  I feel like I am the only one who has tried.  What do I need to do?  Do I really want to do it?  I do not think I do.  I am tired.  I am exhausted even.  I will not disappear unless that option is chosen by someone else.  I will be there if they choose to come back and come back honestly.  I do not want to be just someone who will follow where someone will  lead,  and if I don’t follow there will be sixth grade hell to pay.  I am not in the sixth grade.  I am a full grown woman with responsibilities to my husband and daughters, to my friends who are willing to accept and encourage change in me, to God who would want me to do what is right by Him because I want to and not because I am trying to put on a show for others.  I do want to do what is right by Him.  God?  I am listening.  Please tell me what to do next.

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Posted by on August 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

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