There it is. The light. As I was visiting NYC with my best friend, we were walking in Central Park, and I took this picture (shown below). It is so symbolic of where I am, right now, on multiple levels in my life. It symbolizes the hard work I have done to reach my goal and dream of being a fully licensed therapist. It symbolizes my journey regarding my faith and spirituality. It symbolizes me as I am learning to see myself. The trip to NYC and that picture were no accidents, no coincidences for this discovery. There is purpose in everything and every breath.
As far as my dream goes in wanting to be a fully licensed therapist with my own practice, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have had to accumulate 3000 hours of hard work, and I am so close to being finished I can see, smell, and taste it. My dreams for my practice are like anyone’s dreams, I suppose. I want to be successful, but I do not mean that in a financial way only. I do want to be able to pay my bills after all. Success in having my own practice includes providing those in need with tools to help them be successful in whatever it is they want to accomplish. That may mean just getting out of bed in the morning without dread. It could mean helping someone understand how to communicate better with those in their lives. I just want to help others help themselves in any possible way. I am not deaf, dumb, or blind to the fact that I will not be able to help everyone who crosses my path. Nobody on this Earth is capable of that. Those who choose to be helped by me, will be helped by me, and I will give one-hundred percent of me every single time. That can be etched in stone. As of today, I am 64 hours and 40 minutes away from applying for my permanent license. The light is close, and it is bright.
In terms of my faith and spirituality, I have come to realize that I can love God and believe without becoming something or someone that I do not like at all. I have had help in this department, and I am grateful (more than I can say) for that help. I never believed that I could have love for God the way I do now without feeling like I had to be perfect (or Baptist). I am not perfect, and God knows that, and He loves me anyway. He always has, but I am just now allowing myself to know that. I still struggle with believing that His grace reaches me. I have heard a song multiple times, and every single time I hear it, I listen more closely, and today I focused on these lyrics:
And you are more than flesh and bone
Can’t you see you’re something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you’re not just some wandering soul
That can’t be seen and can’t be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for
God allowed his Son to die for me. For my sins, God allowed his Son’s blood to be shed. He thought I was worth it. How do you not accept that gift? I will never earn what God is so willing to give me. He gives it to me because He loves me. He wants me to do what is right by Him. I am still learning, but I very much want to do what is right by my Father. His love, grace, and mercy are there waiting on me to receive them. I just have to open the door. The Light is close, and It is bright.
Finally, I talk about the symbolism of me and how I see myself. This one is harder than the other two combined. What I learned as a child, and even what I have learned until the last year or so, have been lies. Lies have been perpetrated upon, and within, me for a very long time. I met someone last year who has given me permission to see myself as someone who is worth more than what I can give others. I have seen myself as only worthy to those who I give myself to in a sexual manner. I have seen sex as my only valuable and worthy possession. Learning something for more than 40 years is really difficult to unlearn. I do understand that I am valuable and worthy because I exist. I am enough because I exist. Again, this is a lesson that I will continue to have to learn for the rest of my life. I am willing to do so. I have days where all I can hear are the lies and the disdain I have for myself, and all I can see is the darkness. I am having more days where I can hear truths and affirmations of my value and worthiness. The things I do, or have done, are not who I am. I am beginning to see the self-love light. It is close, and it is bright.