You were born on August 8, 1968 at 8:26pm in Amarillo, Texas at Northwest Texas Hospital. You were born to parents who had their own issues and probably had no business raising children. You were an innocent child growing up in a home where violence, destruction, and selfishness took precedence over everything else. You were born to those beaten down on all levels, and they chose to perpetuate those levels onto you. You had no choice, sweetheart. You were so little to have such big, ugly, painful things happen to you. You did nothing to deserve those evil, vile things. You were made to touch others and others touched you in ways that were breaking God’s heart. You were made to watch things no child should ever have to see or watch. Multiple perpetrators of wrongdoing and complete evil entered your life mostly by way of the maternal figure who was drowning in selfishness with no desire to be saved. Nobody knew your painful secrets eating away at your soul, your value, your worthiness. You did not know it was ok to tell anyone about it either. All the wrong forced upon you led you to believe you were only worth those wrongs. As you became older, you believed your worth was measured through sexual favors and behaviors. You only did what you already knew. Self-medication became a key player in your life that started around the age of twelve. Smoking weed, drinking, and continuing to give guys what you so believed would make them love you became the norm. Becoming an older teenager into early adulthood became a time where those self-medicating behaviors became so relevant, you didn’t care to look at other options. You had been mistreated by everyone who lived in your childhood home. Blame was put on you for what was known, and that was only the beginning of pushing those people out of your life. Still relying on alcohol and sexual pains as a way to survive, you could have lost your life. You could have taken someone elses. The depression you knew nothing about erupted all over the place in your mid to late 20’s. Alcohol playing a bigger part, was numbing those painful feelings, and was just being your best friend. You entered counseling hoping to get help not understanding that you could not be “fixed” without working so very hard. Realizing that you HAD to work hard to move forward, you ended up hospitalized multiple times due to just wanting to die because you felt your family would be so much better off. You didn’t have anyone beating you up or hurting you anymore. So, they must not love you. You started inflicting pain on yourself because it is what you knew and oddly what was comforting. You were given a challenge to use the intelligence someone else noticed in you to continue your education. You did. You made it all the way through graduate school, and you now help others. You are worthy, valuable, and enough without those self-medicating things. Let God be the healing you need. It’s ok, He can handle the job. He did not make those things happen to you, but He loves you enough to use those nightmarish things for good. It is ok to let Him. It’s ok, baby. You are loved. You are full of value and worth. Satan will fight you every step of the way, but you have your Father on your side.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I love you little, scared one. I will take care of you the best I can.
Love, Big, Healthier Me