Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Gamble

Last night I spent three hours playing on the casino’s money.  I had a pretty decent amount that I had won.  I kept feeding it back into the machine’s, though.  As I was doing that, I watched all of those around me doing the exact same thing.  Afraid to lose their seats, they’d sit there and play continuously hoping that they would win the jackpot.  It didn’t matter where I sat, it was the same all through the building.  I am sure that some of those people had some gambling addictions.

After a long period of time, I began wondering what would happen if all these people kept depositing their faith in Jesus they way they deposit their money into these machines where, by the way, the odds are more against them.  With Jesus, you win the jackpot every single time.  Each pull of the arm (acceptance of Him and faith) brings to you the progressive rewards of Jesus.  Eternal life, forgiveness, mercy do not clank in the bottom of the pan like coins do, but they will sustain you forever.  All you have to do is keep depositing belief, faith, and prayer.  It’s been simplified, but you get the point.  Jesus is a gamble worth getting addicting to.


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Posted by on November 13, 2011 in Uncategorized


Cloak of Guilt and Shame

I’m sitting here in this moment being overwhelmed with issues causing a great deal of guilt and shame.  Two little words, guilt and shame, that feel so very heavy and weighted.  I am struggling with knowing what my body needs.  I am having strong issues with body image, and that, in itself, is weighing me down until I just can not move.  I am having unhealthy thoughts about food and would prefer to never eat again, but I know that is not the answer.  Last night, I made a decision to contact a dietician.  It was late, so I left my name and number, and I left a very brief message regarding my concerns.  I am scared to death right now.  I feel guilty and weak for allowing the thoughts into my mind that have found themselves there.  I feel shame for having to seek out help for something I feel I should have a better handle on.  I feel guilty and ashamed that I will have to tell my husband I need help.  Oy, “I need help” just made me especially teary.  I do not purposely not eat.  I sometimes get so caught up in other things, I just forget to eat.  Last night, I had a scare.  I was at work, and I was feeling like I was going to pass out, and I must have not looked so great because a male nurse told me to sit down.  He immediately checked my vitals, which were good, but he began insisting that I ate.  He took me outside for cool air, and he talked to me about needing to eat more.  Now, so you know, I have had that discussion with my best friend.  I did not ignore it.  I listened quite carefully.  You know how people say if you hear the (remotely) same thing from multiple people then it must be true?  Well, it must be true that I need to eat more.  I do not want to be an eating disorder statistic, and I do not think I am at this point; however, I do not want to be there, ever.  I started feeling better after having crackers, yogurt, chocolate milk, and more crackers that were given to me.  I went on about my job, and I had begun to feel not so great again.  I asked another nurse to check my vitals again.  Pulse was up a little, but my blood pressure was still good.  I was asked repeatedly if I was diabetic.  “No, not that I know of,” was my reply.  She checked my blood sugar, and after all that I had consumed, my blood sugar was 104.  I can’t even imagine what it was before that.  All this word vomit was to say that I see others’ concern.  I have my own, but I am afraid.  I have lost 40 pounds since April.  I have not starved myself by any stretch of the imagination by the way.  I see myself as big as I was before in spite of my older clothes hanging on me in a very unattractive way.  I am wearing smaller sizes, and I continue to have to buy smaller things, yet, I still see disgusting fat all over the place.  At this point, I am unable to grasp what I need to do in a healthier eating place.  I have seriously skewed ideas of my body image, though, and I am SO aware of unhealthy that is.  UGH!  I am being buried under guilt and shame, and I am desperate to hold on to anything I can to not be fully submerged.

I need help.


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Posted by on November 5, 2011 in Uncategorized


Taking Nothing for Granted

As I sat in a group I was leading today, an older woman (looking way older than her actual age) was quite depressed and on the verge of tears.  She was understandably depressed about her chronic pain and how she is unable to do anything like she used to be able to do.  She was so very down and teary.  My heart was hurting for her.  Nobody else had really spoken about much, and then I asked the questions, “What are the blessings in your life?  What do you see yourself doing that you may not be able to do tomorrow?”  The same lady stated that she saw her father as her blessing.  She admires him and loves him deeply.  She saw it a blessing to be able to take a hot shower even though she had to sit in a chair to do it.  She was grateful that she was able to do it herself.  The conversations blew up the rest of the hour, and many had never thought about what they may not be able to do if given another day.  I started carefully thinking about this conversation myself.  What is it I find comfort in?  What is it I consider a blessing in my life?  I find comfort in a nice, hot bath when my body, or heart, is hurting.  I find comfort in listening to music, going on walks, looking at all things God has created.  My blessings are many.  I have a job I love, a husband who loves me even though I have given him plenty of reasons to not.  I have two daughters who are smart, loving, and very giving.  I have surrounded myself with really good people.  Those things I have comfort in, seeing, hearing, walking…..I have taken them for granted so many times.  I could wake up tomorrow blind, deaf, and paralyzed.  I always assume those blessings I have (my job, children, and husband) will always be here.  That’s not so.  Already, my oldest moved 8 hours away and is now married.  I lost the chance to have time with her.  I blew that chance while she was still living at home.  These things we find to be comforting we will not always be able to do.  The blessings we have in our lives will not always be there for us.  It is due time for us to look at what is in front of us and appreciate it here and now.  Nothing is promised to us.  Nothing is guaranteed on this Earth…well except death and taxes.  Today, I look at my daughter (and husband when he gets home), my job, my ability to see, hear, and walk, and I thank God.  My patients taught me something today, and I am pretty sure they do not even know it.  My ability to learn and grow every single day is another thing I will never again take for granted.  What are your blessings?  What is that you take for granted?

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Posted by on November 3, 2011 in Uncategorized

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