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Cloak of Guilt and Shame

05 Nov

I’m sitting here in this moment being overwhelmed with issues causing a great deal of guilt and shame.  Two little words, guilt and shame, that feel so very heavy and weighted.  I am struggling with knowing what my body needs.  I am having strong issues with body image, and that, in itself, is weighing me down until I just can not move.  I am having unhealthy thoughts about food and would prefer to never eat again, but I know that is not the answer.  Last night, I made a decision to contact a dietician.  It was late, so I left my name and number, and I left a very brief message regarding my concerns.  I am scared to death right now.  I feel guilty and weak for allowing the thoughts into my mind that have found themselves there.  I feel shame for having to seek out help for something I feel I should have a better handle on.  I feel guilty and ashamed that I will have to tell my husband I need help.  Oy, “I need help” just made me especially teary.  I do not purposely not eat.  I sometimes get so caught up in other things, I just forget to eat.  Last night, I had a scare.  I was at work, and I was feeling like I was going to pass out, and I must have not looked so great because a male nurse told me to sit down.  He immediately checked my vitals, which were good, but he began insisting that I ate.  He took me outside for cool air, and he talked to me about needing to eat more.  Now, so you know, I have had that discussion with my best friend.  I did not ignore it.  I listened quite carefully.  You know how people say if you hear the (remotely) same thing from multiple people then it must be true?  Well, it must be true that I need to eat more.  I do not want to be an eating disorder statistic, and I do not think I am at this point; however, I do not want to be there, ever.  I started feeling better after having crackers, yogurt, chocolate milk, and more crackers that were given to me.  I went on about my job, and I had begun to feel not so great again.  I asked another nurse to check my vitals again.  Pulse was up a little, but my blood pressure was still good.  I was asked repeatedly if I was diabetic.  “No, not that I know of,” was my reply.  She checked my blood sugar, and after all that I had consumed, my blood sugar was 104.  I can’t even imagine what it was before that.  All this word vomit was to say that I see others’ concern.  I have my own, but I am afraid.  I have lost 40 pounds since April.  I have not starved myself by any stretch of the imagination by the way.  I see myself as big as I was before in spite of my older clothes hanging on me in a very unattractive way.  I am wearing smaller sizes, and I continue to have to buy smaller things, yet, I still see disgusting fat all over the place.  At this point, I am unable to grasp what I need to do in a healthier eating place.  I have seriously skewed ideas of my body image, though, and I am SO aware of unhealthy that is.  UGH!  I am being buried under guilt and shame, and I am desperate to hold on to anything I can to not be fully submerged.

I need help.

 

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1 Comment

Posted by on November 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

One response to “Cloak of Guilt and Shame

  1. Samantha

    November 7, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Dawn – you have no reason to feel this way…you are asking for help, recognizing where your knowledge ends and you need reinforcements. This is no reason to feel either. Would you want the people you help to feel this way? Feel guilty for their emotions and feelings, feel shame for seeking help when they stumble – it takes a much stronger person to ask for help than to move forward pretending everything is all right. You are not alone and this moment is your reminder that you aren’t…more people on your side to help you through this, more people to arm you with knowledge and awareness to help you succeed. I see nothing wrong with that my friend..again, I am proud of you for knowing its time and taking action! I love you for knowing when enough is enough. HUGS

     

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