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Monthly Archives: March 2012

Focus

Those look good, huh?  Mouth-watering, even.  While you were looking at those, how much attention were you paying to God?  I struggle with food every single day, and I am constantly struggling to stay focused on God because food has taken over my thoughts and feelings.  I constantly think about “what’s next to eat?”, “what should I eat?”,  “what shouldn’t I eat?”,  “what’s bad for me?”,  “what’s good for me?”.  I would be devastated if either of my daughters thought this way.  I cannot even imagine the heartbreak that I cause God because of this.   I am working on changing, however.  Will I still disappoint God?  Sure, I will.  Will it always be because of losing my focus due to food?  I hope not.

 
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Posted by on March 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Numbers

I am scared to death to even put this out here.  Ever since I was little, I have loved numbers.  I enjoyed math when I had the proper teaching, and I still like quadratic equations.  As I have grown older, though, I have become obsessed with numbers.  Numbers having to do with weight and size have taken over me, and I am pretty sure it is not a healthy thing for me.  I have no doubt that it is not healthy for me.  It is scary, in fact.   I keep thinking that if I can just reach a certain weight and size, I will be happy.  Parts of me are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.  WHATEVER it takes including following the scales every single day and multiple times a day and not eating and whatever else might follow.  Those are dangerous areas.  I have done the binge and purge thing before, and I know that it was not the right thing.  I just ended up being very sick.  When I say “very sick,” I mean I had horrid stomach cramps, my throat was raw, and I just did not feel ok.  I do not want to go back to that place.  I was not there long, but I do know that I was unhappy there.  It is tempting, though.  I am struggling so hard to lose weight in a healthy way, and it really is a struggle.  I have already lost a ton of weight, and I have a lot more to lose.  I hope that God hears my battle cry, and I hope that I am not so blinded by the numbers that I am unable see what he has laid out in front of me.  I have scared two people with my numbers fetish, if you will.  One of those individuals is me.  The other is my best friend who has had her bouts with eating disorders and sees what I cannot at times.  I fall so far down into denial about the need to weigh myself and see those numbers.  Yesterday, I was made fully aware, again, of how much this is a problem and how big it really is.  I was told by my best friend, and I paraphrase, that I would not be happy at any weight until I could accept who I am as a human being.  Man, I get teary thinking about that.  I am fortunate that I have people in my life who care if I start down a slippery slope.  I do not ask that people follow me around and attempt to save me from drowning, but I am really glad when I see that hand reaching out for me.  Numbers…..I can only pray that I can let them go before others have to let me go.

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Sucker-punched!

I was having a very nice day today, although certain things are happening within my body, I have tried to look past that.  While some things are really hard to look past, I was enjoying my day with a date, of sorts, with my husband.  You should just know that I LOVE THAT MAN!  As we were headed to lunch from our afternoon movie, I started feeling something not so great.  I was not quite sure what it was, but it felt somewhat familiar.  As I got home, I needed to prepare to go to church and that included soaking some, showering, and then getting dressed and stuff.  Man, while before it was creeping up on me, BOOM it went right into my soul and heart.  I was being attacked by the Liar.  He was telling me things like “You are stupid, worthless, and selfish!”   I am selfish at times, and I admit it when I feel I am, but this was way more than just that feeling.  It is like someone following you and shouting, “Hey, you!” and when you turn around someone punches you right in the mouth.  I felt that I was being kept from going to try another church.  I was being beaten down by lies and torment.  It was eating away at my heart and my soul.  Basically, after texting with someone, I told Satan to screw off (yeah, I went there), and that I WAS going to church, and that I WAS going to praise Jesus.  I got to church a little late, and one of the last texts I got simply said, “Surrender.”  Man!  That stuck with me.  I stood there in the back as the songs were being sung by the folks on stage.  I still felt like I was being cuffed or chained and could not raise my hands to God.  I had to sit down due to some back pain.  As I was sitting there, another song came on, and man, my arms flew up and was begging for God to just reach down and touch me and love me.  I shed some tears thanking God for not ever leaving me.  I shed tears as athletes do when they win the big one!  I knew that I had just won another battle for Jesus Christ against the Liar.  He keeps coming after me, throwing cheap shots in at every given opportunity.  With a little help, I was given the right equipment to hit back harder and more vicious as I have the best Coach in my corner!  “I pity the fool” that messes with my Jesus!

Thank you, Jesus!

Thank you, ALM!

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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