24 Mar

I am scared to death to even put this out here.  Ever since I was little, I have loved numbers.  I enjoyed math when I had the proper teaching, and I still like quadratic equations.  As I have grown older, though, I have become obsessed with numbers.  Numbers having to do with weight and size have taken over me, and I am pretty sure it is not a healthy thing for me.  I have no doubt that it is not healthy for me.  It is scary, in fact.   I keep thinking that if I can just reach a certain weight and size, I will be happy.  Parts of me are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.  WHATEVER it takes including following the scales every single day and multiple times a day and not eating and whatever else might follow.  Those are dangerous areas.  I have done the binge and purge thing before, and I know that it was not the right thing.  I just ended up being very sick.  When I say “very sick,” I mean I had horrid stomach cramps, my throat was raw, and I just did not feel ok.  I do not want to go back to that place.  I was not there long, but I do know that I was unhappy there.  It is tempting, though.  I am struggling so hard to lose weight in a healthy way, and it really is a struggle.  I have already lost a ton of weight, and I have a lot more to lose.  I hope that God hears my battle cry, and I hope that I am not so blinded by the numbers that I am unable see what he has laid out in front of me.  I have scared two people with my numbers fetish, if you will.  One of those individuals is me.  The other is my best friend who has had her bouts with eating disorders and sees what I cannot at times.  I fall so far down into denial about the need to weigh myself and see those numbers.  Yesterday, I was made fully aware, again, of how much this is a problem and how big it really is.  I was told by my best friend, and I paraphrase, that I would not be happy at any weight until I could accept who I am as a human being.  Man, I get teary thinking about that.  I am fortunate that I have people in my life who care if I start down a slippery slope.  I do not ask that people follow me around and attempt to save me from drowning, but I am really glad when I see that hand reaching out for me.  Numbers…..I can only pray that I can let them go before others have to let me go.

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Posted by on March 24, 2012 in Uncategorized


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