What I See

07 Apr

This will be one of the hardest things I have ever written.  It will be hard because I will be blatantly honest about my size and weight.  So, maybe at this point some of you are asking, “Well, then why are you doing it, then?”  The answer is simple:  Because I have to.  You do not need to understand that, but I do.  See, I have a weight problem.  I have a problem with food, and I sometimes eat for all the wrong reasons.  A lot of people do, but I cannot write for a lot of people.  I scare myself, and others (not on purpose), by my obsession with needing to not be as heavy as I am.  Again, I focus on the numbers.  I am 5’5″, and I weigh 222 lbs.  I am obese.  If you ask me, morbidly so.  My highest weight has been 276.  That was about two years ago.  I wore a size 24 in jeans and a 3x – 4x in shirts.  I like big shirts even now, however.  It is humiliating for me to let you know those numbers.  I have great shame in admitting those things.  At the moment, I wear shirts that are 18/20, and my jeans are now 20/22.  The 22’s are somewhat baggy.  I want to lose another 80 pounds.  I have been told that this number is too much.  I have never been open about my weight with people I am close to let alone the free world.  My stomach is in knots, and I have tears in my eyes.  This is so very hard.

This is what the camera, and everyone else sees (I guess):

This is what I see:

I am not on a fishing expedition here.  I am being as honest as one person can be.  I am ashamed of how I look.  I want to exercise more and harder to the point that it may not be the healthiest thing.  I want to not eat.  I have feelings of just wanting to exercise until I pass out.  There is NOTHING ok about that.

Just so it is perfectly clear, I do not want to look like this either:

I just do not want to look they way I do.  I am eating better than I ever have in my entire life.  I am exercising more than I probably ever have.  The weight is just not coming off fast enough.  I am working hard to do the healthiest things, but the truth is that I struggle every single moment to do healthy.  The temptation to use any drugs that will drop the weight is in the back of my mind.  I would not do those drugs.  Wanting to do the fad diets that have people dropping weight like crazy is in my mind.  I understand that is not healthy.  I am just being the most honest I can possibly be right now.  I go to therapy to deal with these issues.  I want other people who are going through this to know that they are not alone.  I want any young girls who read this to know that you do not have to get caught up in what society believes is “thin enough”.  I realized I was caught up in it way too late.  I am not a stupid person.  I am well-educated, but this type of “illness” does not discriminate.  It does not care what color your skin is or how much money you have in your pocket.  It does not care whether you dropped out in the 8th grade or have a certificate with Ph.D. on it hanging in an office somewhere.  My goal is to love myself from the inside out.  That is the only thing that will help me feel better about the way I look.  I was told that recently by someone who loves me a great amount.  So, now you know where I am with me.  I will continue to fight to do things in the healthiest of ways.  As I do, I hope that what I see changes as well.

1 Comment

Posted by on April 7, 2012 in Uncategorized


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One response to “What I See

  1. Rita Ecker

    April 7, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    You are a brave person and for that i am so praying hard for you. I have known you many years and i dont see you that way. I see the kind,sweet ,smart,loveable person that you are. Keep up the hard word and it will pay off. If you need someone to just cry with give me a call dont do it alone. I love you and will be there for you. Give me a call sometime i miss talking to you.


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