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Monthly Archives: June 2012

Is There a Doctor in the House?

I cannot sleep.  I am so terribly anxious.  I have to let people in my life go, so that I am able to move forward.  That is painful for me.  If I do not let go, I will remain stuck right where I am with guilt and shame so heavy, I can barely breathe.  Tears slowly flowing from my eyes like water on the mountains just as Winter turns into Spring.  I need to make changes, and they will hurt people, but because of my actions (and their’s) previously, the hurt as already taken place (whether they realize it or not).  I have to completely let go.  The poisons that I have spread around to so many people are like acid eating away at my insides.  Those people may not feel or see it.  I do.  I have to do what is right by myself, by the other person, and by God.  I am not good at letting go.  It has to be done.  My mental health is not safe with those people in my life.  They do not harass me.  They do not talk to me, really.  One thing leads to another, and I knew what was happening.  I planned it on most levels.  Few people know about particular things.  But some behaviors are just barriers that keep me held up, unable to move.  Guilt and shame ooze from my heart and soul like some sort of slow. nuclear spill.

As my little one in me speaks to me now…

She says, “Thank you for finally loving me enough to keep me safe.  It took you long enough.”

I ask that little one for forgiveness for not standing up for her sooner.  My apologies are not enough for her.  I must put on my protective gear, move through the poison, and escape the fatal contagion.  Picture it.  The brightly colored hazmat suit with a mask and oxygen tank connected, so I can breathe, protects me from any other toxins from the previous emotional, radioactive spill.  I have to be cautious as I place the infestations into their properly marked containers.  I have to be showered off, be decontaminated from the pollutant to which I have been exposed.

I drop to my knees because I cannot do this on my own.  I will lean on those on this Earth who will listen if they choose.  I will look for healing from The Great Physician.  He is the only one who can remove this malignancy wholly.  He will mend my brokenness and soothe the scars that will be left behind.  I trust that.

 

 
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Posted by on June 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

So much to learn

Many people in my life have left me.  That started when I was eight years old, and my dad had to leave the house.  He was not the last, that’s for sure.  I have learned that people leave, and that is just a part of life.  It is a sucky part of life.  I have had best friends leave me which have hurt most of all.  I currently fight the fear of doing something to make someone leave again.  I have been promised over and over…and over that I will not be left.  I DO believe the love of this person for me.  I DO believe the commitment this person has with me.  I DO believe the friendship this person has with me.  I DO need to unlearn those familiar behaviors of others who have left.  I need to give it all to God, and let Him put me in the perfect place with those in my life.  I would absolutely have no heart left if particular individuals left me.  That will not happen due to blatant promises.  Promises from a Godly heart I so believe.  I get scared sometimes.  I have asked for patience in trying to be what I need to be to not blow this thing on my end.  God, I need this fear to end.  With my face to the ground I beg for the power to release this fear.  Doubt, lack of trust, and so many other crappy things lead to dissipation of relationships.  That is NOT where I want to live.  I want to live in the comfort of knowing that I am loved, cared about, and treasured as a good person with a good heart.  That is not up to me, totally.  I can do nothing but be who I am.  I am grateful I have people in my life who will be patient with me, who love me so much, that after my continuing education, they will still be around.  Thank you, Father, for those people.  Help me to not hurt others by the way others have hurt me.  I refuse to walk away from what is so very good.  I have so much to learn.  I yearn for this education. 

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Gardening

I am horrible at keeping plants alive.  I feel sorry for any plant ever given to me.  I forget to water them and give them sunlight and such.  If I attempted to have an entire garden, I am pretty sure the view would be horrendous.  It would be dry and brown….dead. 

 I find myself being extraordinarily grateful that as a part of God’s garden, I am not being neglected.  I was “dry and brown” due to my own neglectful behaviors and attitudes before I allowed the blood of Jesus Christ to flow over me and give me life.  I am a part of God’s garden, and He never fails to take care my roots.  He does not ignore them because they are not seen.  He takes special care of them, so that I may continue to thrive and grow to what He chooses me to be.  Like any plant in a garden that grows to be beautiful, I am fed.  I am fed by the Word of God.  I continually grow because of that nourishment.  I am also given Light.

“…God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.”  1 John 1:5

A garden can also be killed by weeds.  Those pesky horrible looking things that get mixed in with what is attempting to grow.  Weeds constrict growth and make the garden ugly.  The weed will wrap itself around the flower planted and kill it before it even gets a chance to bloom.  What are the weeds in your life, flower?  What is it that is preventing your growth and beauty?  Take a good look at your surroundings and ask your Gardener to remove those weeds.  Ask your Gardener to feed you, not let you go thirsty, and to shower you with light.  Let Him nurse your roots back to health, so that you are allowed to bloom and grow.  Ask all of these things from Him, and you will never be dry and brown.  You will never die.  I am quite thankful that I have a Gardener taking better care of me than I could ever take care of a garden.

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Posted by on June 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Father’s Day

This day always stings for me as I grew up with multiple, abusive “fathers”.  I am jealous, even as an adult, of those who have really good dads…..my own kids, for example.  My husband is a really great dad which is part of the reason I am so in love with him.

I just need to continue to realize that I DO have a Father who loves me and IS safe 100% of the time.  Thank you, God for being the ultimate Father for me.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally and for seeing me as more than some object to be mishandled.  I love you.

Happy Father’s Day, God.

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Healing

Since I was at least five years old, I have had to begin healing.  I had to begin to heal emotionally, physically, psychologically, and most recently spiritually.  One of the most important factors of any kind of healing is time.  I have such a hard time with this as I am so very impatient.  I want to feel better right here, right now.  That is just not how things work.  Healing requires more than just time, though.

Last weekend at church, the pastor was talking about how God wants to heal us, and He cares about our issues, and Jesus died so we could live in blessings.   He cares about our physical ailments, our heartaches, and He very much cares about our souls.  Three truths regarding Divine healing, according to this pastor:  1.)  Healing isn’t simply an act of God.  It is a partnership between us and God.  2.)  Healing isn’t an event…it’s a lifestyle.  3.)  Healing is focused on a redeeming God.  He is the Hurt Redeemer!  He wants to heal us, but He will not do so unless we give Him that honor.  Think about it, can you help someone who does not want help?  Would you force your help upon them?  Most people would not.  Most people would wait around and wait to be asked for help.

When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”  John 5:6

God wants us to ask for help.  He desperately awaits.

God requires three things for us in healing:  1.)  Obedience.  2.)  Change.  3.)  Responsibility.

As I sit here and type those three things out, I think about my healing from my surgery 5 weeks ago.  I think about what if I had not listened to my doctor and did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.  I needed to obey his orders, so that my body could/would heal properly.  I think about all the weight I have lost to help me feel better, healthier, and I think what would have happened to me had I not made the changes I did.  Yikes!  What if I expected someone else to fix me and take no responsibility for me at all?  Man, that’s a tough one to swallow.

I know that, spiritually, I am still very broken and wounded.  My job to God is to be obedient, to repent and change the way I live , and to take responsibility for what I have done and for allowing all those good things to happen without doubt or question.

If they obey and serve him,  they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment.  Job 36:11

I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.  Luke 13:3

“Behold, I am coming soon, bringing my recompense with me, to repay everyone for what he has done.  Revelation 22:12

Do you really want to look into the face of God and lie about what you have done?  Do you think that He will not know?  I know that I am not a good liar to those who do not see my behaviors and actions, nevertheless to the One who sees and knows all.  Therefore, I choose to obey.  I choose to change.  I choose to take responsibility for what is mine.  I choose to be Healed.

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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