I cannot sleep. I am so terribly anxious. I have to let people in my life go, so that I am able to move forward. That is painful for me. If I do not let go, I will remain stuck right where I am with guilt and shame so heavy, I can barely breathe. Tears slowly flowing from my eyes like water on the mountains just as Winter turns into Spring. I need to make changes, and they will hurt people, but because of my actions (and their’s) previously, the hurt as already taken place (whether they realize it or not). I have to completely let go. The poisons that I have spread around to so many people are like acid eating away at my insides. Those people may not feel or see it. I do. I have to do what is right by myself, by the other person, and by God. I am not good at letting go. It has to be done. My mental health is not safe with those people in my life. They do not harass me. They do not talk to me, really. One thing leads to another, and I knew what was happening. I planned it on most levels. Few people know about particular things. But some behaviors are just barriers that keep me held up, unable to move. Guilt and shame ooze from my heart and soul like some sort of slow. nuclear spill.
As my little one in me speaks to me now…
She says, “Thank you for finally loving me enough to keep me safe. It took you long enough.”
I ask that little one for forgiveness for not standing up for her sooner. My apologies are not enough for her. I must put on my protective gear, move through the poison, and escape the fatal contagion. Picture it. The brightly colored hazmat suit with a mask and oxygen tank connected, so I can breathe, protects me from any other toxins from the previous emotional, radioactive spill. I have to be cautious as I place the infestations into their properly marked containers. I have to be showered off, be decontaminated from the pollutant to which I have been exposed.
I drop to my knees because I cannot do this on my own. I will lean on those on this Earth who will listen if they choose. I will look for healing from The Great Physician. He is the only one who can remove this malignancy wholly. He will mend my brokenness and soothe the scars that will be left behind. I trust that.