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Monthly Archives: November 2012

Piled High

Thanksgiving.  The day where we all eat a lot of food and get together with family and friends.  This Thanksgiving, I was so happy that my two daughters and son-in-law were here in the same house.  We had plans to go to another family member’s house which we were excited about.  Before my mother-in-law passed away, we always had huge gatherings of people at her house for holidays.  After she passed, it was just me,  my husband, daughters, and another person at one point or another.  I enjoyed the small, simple gathering of my immediate family.  I really had a good time with my husband’s side of the family, though.  The food was so very good, the company was good, and it was like old times.  It was just good all the way around.  I miss my mother-in-law and father-in-law.

Then came time to go and visit my side of the family.  We are very rarely invited to go over to my aunt’s house, but this year my aunt invited us, and another aunt called to see if we would be coming.  I’m pretty sure that had something to do with my mom.  Anyways, my anxiety was going through the roof, but I prayed hard about what I needed to be placed in me, so that I could behave, think, and speak as God would like.  I hugged and kissed people.  They hugged and kissed back.  Another adorable little one was in the house.  I saw my brother, and he reminded me of my dad so much.  It was almost sickening.  He “chuckled” like him.  Both of them very abusive men.  Both selfish in their ways.  My mother did not speak, really.  She had no expectations, it seemed, which made the visit ok.  She did not try to have conversations with me.  It is what it is.  It was probably best for everyone around.  I’m not saying things would have been bad, but there is just too much history.

Then, there was my grandmother.  Bless her sweet heart.  She is growing old on every level.  She is having major problems with memory.  She’s looking frail and small.  I was never close to her, but I do love her.  She treated me poorly for a very long time.  She did not abuse me physically.  She treated me less than, however.  Nevertheless, it was heartbreaking to me when she could not remember my kids’ names.  She could not remember my husband’s name.  My heart just breaks as I sit here and type about it.

Later Thanksgiving night, I found out something that was terribly disturbing regarding my husband.  I love him so much.  I just was not prepared to hear what he told us.  I choose not to put that conversation out here just yet.  I still have some chewing to do on that.  On all of this, really.

I feel like I have every emotion possible just firing from every neuron in my body.  My heart feels confused, scared, happy, and broken about all the above events.  All of these emotions are just continuously piling up on each other.  Blah!  I am praying hard about what I need to focus on, understand, and do.  This brings up my own stuff in certain areas that I am not so happy about.  But for me to get through this very hard time, I have to look at it close up and personal.  I have to dissect it.  I have to just not look on the surface.  I have to look at all of this, which includes all of me.  What am I willing to let go of?  What am I willing to grasp on to?  How am I willing to react?  I just do not know at this point.  This is just me processing.  It may not make an ounce of sense.  Then, again, it may.

I just know I need to pray for knowledge, discernment, and grace.  If you wouldn’t mind, would you pray, too?  You do not have to answer me on here.

Thanks for reading.  Be blessed and be a blessing.

 
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Posted by on November 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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FML!

I see “FML” so much, and it makes me nauseated.  One event in a person’s day, and the next thing one will see on Facebook or Twitter is “FML!”  It is so disheartening that this is common usage in today’s society.    In the past couple of years, I have exhibited FML myself.  Read ahead for further explanation:

Following things, or people, that are no good for me?  That used to be me.  I used to change who I was to blend in with others.  I was quite unhappy with that.  However, it was all I knew to do.   I find myself being a stronger person, but I sometimes have flashes of the person I used to be.  I have followed others and ideas that I thought would be the most “popular.”  I have followed others and ideas that I thought would make me more loved (or loved at all).  I have followed others and ideas that have led me to do everything pleasing to Satan himself.  Poor self-esteem.  Poor social skills.  Poor coping skills.  I was drowning in a sea of “poors.”  I could blame everyone in my past, but I do not blame anyone.  I accept my behaviors and flaws as my own.  I was obeying and following Earthly things.  Multiple things had become my gods.   I hit rock bottom, and I will never forget what that felt like.   Money, alcohol, food, and a myriad of other things.  This is what the Bible says about that:

“If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed.”  Deuteronomy 8:19

My purpose in life has changed.  When I was little, my purpose was to survive all that was going on in my house.  When I was a teenager, my purpose was to find someone I trust and just scream and cry about what had happened, and what was continuing to happen with me.  My purpose after the teenager years was to simply be noticed and loved.  Keep in mind, I had no idea about real love.  I had synthetic love.  That, I knew.  It is like when I hear adolescents speaking about “fake marijuana” (K2).  The words I hear about K2 are, “scary,” “dangerous,” “deadly,” and “crazy.”  The “fake love” I was seeking was not any different.  K2 can kill a person.  “Fake love” can, too.  It almost killed me.  Fake, or false, love can devour you, regurgitate you, and leave you in a puddle and never think about you again.  Love to me was like a magic show.  I knew people were telling me, or showing me, what it was, but I just felt i

“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but
inwardly they are ferocious wolves.”  Matthew 7:15

Lord knows that I have done my share of shameful things.  I have done my share of embarrassing things.  But, the Lord knows that I have made a commitment to Him.  I have made up my mind to not follow or lend myself to Earthly things as they only push me down.  I have made up my mind to seek only real Love.  I know where that is.  I know that I am worth that kind of Love.  The world still feels like it is squarely upon my shoulders, at times.  I know that feeling does not have to last if I choose wisely.  God, my Father, is my provider.  God, my Father, is my redeemer.  God, my Father, is my life.  I fully understand that urge to throw my hands up in the air and just give up.  Where would that get me, though?  I know that I never have to face one second of my life alone as long as I depend on God to give me what I need.  Everyone I know could walk out of my life, and as much as that would be severely painful, I know that I would still have my God to hold me, love me, and keep each one of my tears in a bottle.  I have had multiple FML events and moments in forty-four years, but in the last two years, I have had different kinds of FML events and moments.

“If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.”  James 1:5

The different kind of FML events and moments for me?  Read the first word in each of the three paragraphs that use regular font after the underlined beginning.

God bless you.  Be mindful of those blessings given to you and be willing to share them with others.

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Right Here

I have a lot of friends, but my best one is not right here.  I love both of my daughters, but one of them is not right here.  I love my husband, but he just does not always get it.  I need my biggest supporters for a variety of issues, but they are not right here.

This is the way a lot of us see things.  We want from him.  We want from her.  We want from them.  We need this or that from this person or that person.

What does God’s word say about needing on Earth?

Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.  Matthew 5:42

Man, being human keeps us from giving so freely.  This is not saying give only if someone will pay you back.  This is saying do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.  Do what is right by God.

So, what about when we need something?  We, the ones needing the support, the love, the kindness as we have given.  We are limited creatures, some of us doing the best we can, but we still come up short, at times.  We do not intend to do so, but we just do not have the capabilities to give others what they need right here.  We cannot look at any Earthly being or thing and honestly believe that is all we need to help us through.  Again, friends are so good, but they are of this Earth, which means they will disappear in one way or another.  What about God?  Are we not instructed to turn to God?  Are we not told that we cannot serve an Earthly thing or person and worship God all the same?  We are told we cannot do this.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”  Matthew 6:24

We become so eager to get what we want now.  Right here and right now!  That impatient tendency causes us to reach to the unhealthy, unhelpful, and undependable.   Again, it is okay to share your burdens with others, but to depend on them completely is against what God has intended.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”  Galatians 6:2

I love my friends.  I love them very much.  I do wish that I had a best friend who lived close by and who could be with me, or me with her, when we needed.

The best Friend that we can depend on to be right here, right now, is God.  What we need can and will be given through the Holy Spirit.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..”  Galatians 5:22

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, and Faithfulness.  Those are things we want right here beside us from those who are physically with us.  It just is not enough sometimes.  It is impossible to get all of those things from Earthly people or things.  We want that which we believe we deserve.  We do not deserve any of the aforementioned things.  I dare you to prove me wrong.  God, through the Holy Spirit can give us exactly what we want and/or need right here, right now.  If we place God as our primary best friend, we will never want for anything more.  Would we still want our best friends to be close to us?  Yes, but we would feel less empty if we allowed God, our Father, to be what we need right here and now.

We cannot solely live by what the people around us, or not so around us, can give.  We need more.  We crave more.  We cannot become full in our hearts without God and His Word.  That is what we want.  To be full, content, and comfortable.  We will not find it in any other human being, food, or money.  That type of fullness, contentment, and comfort is only found in one place.

“It is written,  “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”  Matthew 4:4

This is how we get that “right here” satisfaction.  The Word of God is always here for us.  Right besides us it sits.  This is by no means a blog about getting rid of your friends.  It is, in fact, the total opposite.  I know I have to live without the person on this Earth I trust most because she is living so far away from me.  However, I know the One who lives closest to me is always in my heart when I need Him.  God is good.  Is he not?  He is so good!  He will never make a plan for you and then say He was busy.  He will never say meet me here and not show up.  God keeps His word.  I am just thankful I get to read it right here, right now.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them,  for it is the LORD your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Right here, right now.  No, I am not talking about the song by Jesus Jones (not a coincidence for sure), but I am talking about God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  Go to them.  Ask for them.  God has been so willing to provide for me in the most recent days.  I know He is willing to provide for you what He believes you need.

Thank you for reading this.  I love you, and I want you to know the God I know and love.

 

 
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Posted by on November 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

 
 
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