Thanksgiving. The day where we all eat a lot of food and get together with family and friends. This Thanksgiving, I was so happy that my two daughters and son-in-law were here in the same house. We had plans to go to another family member’s house which we were excited about. Before my mother-in-law passed away, we always had huge gatherings of people at her house for holidays. After she passed, it was just me, my husband, daughters, and another person at one point or another. I enjoyed the small, simple gathering of my immediate family. I really had a good time with my husband’s side of the family, though. The food was so very good, the company was good, and it was like old times. It was just good all the way around. I miss my mother-in-law and father-in-law.
Then came time to go and visit my side of the family. We are very rarely invited to go over to my aunt’s house, but this year my aunt invited us, and another aunt called to see if we would be coming. I’m pretty sure that had something to do with my mom. Anyways, my anxiety was going through the roof, but I prayed hard about what I needed to be placed in me, so that I could behave, think, and speak as God would like. I hugged and kissed people. They hugged and kissed back. Another adorable little one was in the house. I saw my brother, and he reminded me of my dad so much. It was almost sickening. He “chuckled” like him. Both of them very abusive men. Both selfish in their ways. My mother did not speak, really. She had no expectations, it seemed, which made the visit ok. She did not try to have conversations with me. It is what it is. It was probably best for everyone around. I’m not saying things would have been bad, but there is just too much history.
Then, there was my grandmother. Bless her sweet heart. She is growing old on every level. She is having major problems with memory. She’s looking frail and small. I was never close to her, but I do love her. She treated me poorly for a very long time. She did not abuse me physically. She treated me less than, however. Nevertheless, it was heartbreaking to me when she could not remember my kids’ names. She could not remember my husband’s name. My heart just breaks as I sit here and type about it.
Later Thanksgiving night, I found out something that was terribly disturbing regarding my husband. I love him so much. I just was not prepared to hear what he told us. I choose not to put that conversation out here just yet. I still have some chewing to do on that. On all of this, really.
I feel like I have every emotion possible just firing from every neuron in my body. My heart feels confused, scared, happy, and broken about all the above events. All of these emotions are just continuously piling up on each other. Blah! I am praying hard about what I need to focus on, understand, and do. This brings up my own stuff in certain areas that I am not so happy about. But for me to get through this very hard time, I have to look at it close up and personal. I have to dissect it. I have to just not look on the surface. I have to look at all of this, which includes all of me. What am I willing to let go of? What am I willing to grasp on to? How am I willing to react? I just do not know at this point. This is just me processing. It may not make an ounce of sense. Then, again, it may.
I just know I need to pray for knowledge, discernment, and grace. If you wouldn’t mind, would you pray, too? You do not have to answer me on here.
Thanks for reading. Be blessed and be a blessing.