The vulgarity of insecurity oozes from my insides and drips from the tips of my fingers, huddling on the floor around my feet. It gives birth to selfishness, loneliness, and sadness. Insecurity sneaks up on me like the killer in some bloodbath film on screen. I know it’s around, but I’m just not sure where it is. Once it attacks, I become hopelessly incapacitated in its gaze. It has its own life and is hypnotic, guiding me to unthinkable thoughts that blacken my heart. Smudging my vision. Removing my tongue.
Insecurity has many friends. Their names are Lies, Fear, and Worry. They are like mobsters who are not afraid to come and shatter my legs leaving me immobile. They are loud and obnoxious. They hold me back from trying to crawl forward. I am entombed in the cement they pour over me. Heaviness and suffocation are all I can feel. I am surrounded by the darkest of spirits as if they are ready to take my soul for eternity. They sit on me for extra insurance, knowing that I am unable to move.
My eyes are covered with a blindfolds named Guilt and Shame. The blindfolds so tight that my eyelids are being pressed firmly against my eyeballs. A knot tied in the back so tightly that it would take a miracle to disengage it. As a child my father would cover my eyes with his hand knowing that I could not withstand it. Guilt and Shame not only blindfold me, they also remove my breath, so that I am unable to speak.
Unworthiness is a cousin of Guilt and Shame, and it holds my tongue further rendering me speechless. Unworthiness does not want me asking for help. It does not want me uttering one sound. It grasps my tongue and severs it completely while my life shoots from it like bullets from a gun.
So, I am left paralyzed, blind, and mute during the darkest part of the night. Unable to move where I need to be. Unable to see the outreached hands trying to help me. Unable to ask for help. It is in those darkest hours that the stars shine the brightest. I have a Healer who does not need me to move because He is always with me. I have a Healer who does not need me to see because He will carry me through the toughest of times. I have a Healer who does not need me to talk because He can hear the shrieks and wailing of my heart.
He makes me able.