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Monthly Archives: March 2014

Ghosts into Ancestors

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For a majority of my life, I have allowed so many people to take up space in my head.  I have allowed so many toxic people and relationships to be my life’s navigation system.  I am prepared to stop this.  I do not have the energy it takes to keep those things fueled.  Having these things lead on would be a conscious choice that I am just not willing to make any longer.  We all have people and relationships in our lives that come and go.  It’s sometimes the most important relationships in our lives that become the most venomous. These relationships could be with any number of people.

When I think of relationships, I think of safety, trust, hope, and love.  Those are the places where people thrive. Something happens, however, when just one of those things is violated.  As bad as it is when violations occur, I believe we tend to hold on to those things for dear life like a treasured piece of jewelry.  Those transgressions become chains and locks that only bind us and hold us prisoners.  Oddly enough, we are the ones holding the key, yet we choose not to use it.  

We feel “comfortable” and become addicted to our own miseries.  We feast on the illusion of control when he hold on to the darkness. Regardless of how heavy these miseries become, we refuse to set them down.  The longer we carry them, the heavier they become.  Still, we continue to drag them along as if they were surgically attached to our backs.  Weariness sets in and instead of us cutting that line, we sit with them believing that we will be “OK” once we get rested.  

It is necessary to cut that line.  As difficult as it may be to cut the line, it’s even more liberating.  Moving forward in freedom leads to contentment.  We have a choice to be haunted by our past or to live liberated in the present.  Those things, people, situations that have been parts of our past do not have to be the molds that form us for the future.  Break the mold.  Be who you were created to be. Let what has been done, be done.  Let your ghosts become ancestors.  

“Psychoanalysis is often about turning our ghosts into ancestors, even for patients who have not lost loved ones to death. We are often haunted by important relationships from the past that influence us unconsciously in the present. As we work them through, they go from haunting us to becoming simply part of our history.”  — Norman Doidge

 

 

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Posted by on March 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Who I Was

I’m quite grateful to not be the person I used to be.  Who I was was an ignorant, uninformed, settling kind of female.  I grew up learning words that I now detest such as the “N” word to describe people of color and the “F” or “Q” words for those who love the same gender.  I used those words for more years than I really care to admit, but I do admit it with my head hung in shame.  When I knew better, I did better.

My behaviors were not any less shameful.  I lied, cheated, manipulated, and a lot of other ugly things of which I’m not proud.  Again, once I learned differently, I acted differently.  The things we learn while growing up are not always correct.  They are not always incorrect, either.

When we become our own people, we have choices to make about how we talk to others and treat others.  We do not have to keep our parents’ beliefs, thank goodness, nor do we have to blame our adult-time actions on the way we were raised.  As grown individuals, we have a choice to hate or love.  We are all born to love, and we are taught intolerance and hatred.  What can be taught can be untaught.  We can be taught to love again.  We can learn to let bitterness go.  We can learn to stand up for what we believe in and what is really good, moral, and ethical.  What those things are for others, I do not have a clue.  I know what those things are, and I have lost people in my life who were not ready for me to change in that sort of way.

I have had people in my life who have stayed with me despite of who I was, and I have people in my life who want to be there, and who love me, because of who I was, who I have become, and who I will end up being.  Those are the people I treasure most.  When people change from what people have known for so long, there can be discord.  There can be fear of the change.  That fear can lead to distance.  Anger is also seen when someone else changes.  Some people thrive on being involved with those who are only troubled.  But, when those people become less troubled, that other person’s identity changes.  A person may wonder what his or her role is in this person’s new life.  It’s a process, and there are those who are up for that challenge and do not mind changing themselves and their roles, and there are those who refuse to change and will try to hold that changing person in one place.  I’ve been on both sides, and I strive to do what’s best on those sides.

I am too old to lie, manipulate, play games, and refuse to grow.  What I say, I mean, and what I mean, I say.  I refuse to try to fit into someone else’s mold of who, or what, they believe I should be.  You will either love me or not.  You will either agree with this blog post or not.  Either way, it’s not any of my business.

What you believe me to be, is none of my business.  I am glad to say that I have changed for the better.  I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be since I do not believe it exists.

I am a better mother, wife, friend, therapist, and person because I now know that I do not have to rely on others’ opinions to fuel my life.

The only opinion that matters to me is my God’s.

  1. Psalm 139:14
  2. Psalm 17:8
  3. Deuteronomy 7:6

He has always accepted me just the way I am.  This is what matters to me where only God is concerned.  There is no greater acceptance or love.

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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A Broken Wing

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Martina McBride sang a song called “A Broken Wing”.  It talked of a woman being married to man, and he constantly belittled her and killed her spirit.  He never believed in her.  The chorus of the song goes like this:

“And with a broken wing she still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing she carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly”*

I know more people than not who have experienced being belittled, beaten down with fists or insults (both equally as painful), and mistreated in so many other ways.  You are reading this right now and may be thinking, “That’s me.  She’s talking about me.”  If I am talking about you, I want you to understand something.  You no longer have to allow someone to break you any further.  You have strength.  You have worth.  You have value.  You have a gift that is just waiting for permission to bloom inside of you like a flower on a spring day.  Take your broken pieces of self, make something beautiful from those pieces.  Allow someone to help you put those pieces back together.  If you did not know that to be possible before reading this blog post, you know now.  Now, you can start over! Now, you can start loving yourself!  Now, you can start nurturing that gift within you!  Now, you can make a change!

Brokenness does not mean less valuable.  Brokenness just means that being mended will be that much more beautiful.  Are you ready to be mended?  Mending can only happen when you are ready to do the work.  I pray that right now you are making the choice to mend, to heal, to work.  Give yourself permission to break free from whatever chains bind you.

“The spirit of the sovereign LORD is upon me, because the LORD has chosen me. He has commissioned me to encourage the poor, to help the brokenhearted, to decree the release of captives, and the freeing of prisoners, to announce the year when the LORD will show his favor, the day when our God will seek vengeance, to console all who mourn, ” — Isaiah 61:1-2  

The Lord can console you if you let Him.  When you are ready, all you have to do is let Him know what you want and be open to receiving it.  You are a child of the Most High.  He wants to heal you.  He wants you to come to Him.  Go to Him!  Run to him with open arms!

“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy” — Psalm 30:11

There is no size tag for joy.  One size really does fit all!

You can dance!

You can fly!

For those reading this, I pray that you will realize how blessed you are.  I pray for your healing.

I believe in you.

May God forever bless you.

 

*Read more: Martina McBride – A Broken Wing Lyrics 

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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