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Who I Was

06 Mar

I’m quite grateful to not be the person I used to be.  Who I was was an ignorant, uninformed, settling kind of female.  I grew up learning words that I now detest such as the “N” word to describe people of color and the “F” or “Q” words for those who love the same gender.  I used those words for more years than I really care to admit, but I do admit it with my head hung in shame.  When I knew better, I did better.

My behaviors were not any less shameful.  I lied, cheated, manipulated, and a lot of other ugly things of which I’m not proud.  Again, once I learned differently, I acted differently.  The things we learn while growing up are not always correct.  They are not always incorrect, either.

When we become our own people, we have choices to make about how we talk to others and treat others.  We do not have to keep our parents’ beliefs, thank goodness, nor do we have to blame our adult-time actions on the way we were raised.  As grown individuals, we have a choice to hate or love.  We are all born to love, and we are taught intolerance and hatred.  What can be taught can be untaught.  We can be taught to love again.  We can learn to let bitterness go.  We can learn to stand up for what we believe in and what is really good, moral, and ethical.  What those things are for others, I do not have a clue.  I know what those things are, and I have lost people in my life who were not ready for me to change in that sort of way.

I have had people in my life who have stayed with me despite of who I was, and I have people in my life who want to be there, and who love me, because of who I was, who I have become, and who I will end up being.  Those are the people I treasure most.  When people change from what people have known for so long, there can be discord.  There can be fear of the change.  That fear can lead to distance.  Anger is also seen when someone else changes.  Some people thrive on being involved with those who are only troubled.  But, when those people become less troubled, that other person’s identity changes.  A person may wonder what his or her role is in this person’s new life.  It’s a process, and there are those who are up for that challenge and do not mind changing themselves and their roles, and there are those who refuse to change and will try to hold that changing person in one place.  I’ve been on both sides, and I strive to do what’s best on those sides.

I am too old to lie, manipulate, play games, and refuse to grow.  What I say, I mean, and what I mean, I say.  I refuse to try to fit into someone else’s mold of who, or what, they believe I should be.  You will either love me or not.  You will either agree with this blog post or not.  Either way, it’s not any of my business.

What you believe me to be, is none of my business.  I am glad to say that I have changed for the better.  I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be since I do not believe it exists.

I am a better mother, wife, friend, therapist, and person because I now know that I do not have to rely on others’ opinions to fuel my life.

The only opinion that matters to me is my God’s.

  1. Psalm 139:14
  2. Psalm 17:8
  3. Deuteronomy 7:6

He has always accepted me just the way I am.  This is what matters to me where only God is concerned.  There is no greater acceptance or love.

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Posted by on March 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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