It’s been at least a week since I prayed hard that God would humble me in so many situations. If there were ever a time where “Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it” was ever so loud, it would be at this time of my life. I keep getting hit in the face with this being humbled stuff. I suppose I should have been more specific about the amount of humbled experiences I was looking for. I feel like God has thrown this to me so many times within the last several days, that I am becoming weakened by it. Work, personal relationships, family, and everything in between have been the forefront of this whole “Humbled” thing. And, while it does feel like I’m being beaten into submission, I grimace in saying that it is probably being used to only strengthen me. It feels sucky. It just does.
When we feel like we are doing what is right for us and our relationships physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, we sometimes believe that life is right on track. Then BOOM!!! We get hit with the “it’s just not good enough” feelings from others’ behaviors or words. I sit here writing this thinking about my inadvertent role in being the “BOOM!” I also sit here thinking about someone else’s “BOOM!” pounding my life right now. This crappy, realistic ‘light bulb” moment that I am having is due to that other person’s role. Some of you may be so confused right now, and I don’t blame you if you are. These are the thoughts in my mind which are violently attacking the keyboard. Hang in there with me.
If it weren’t for that other person’s belief that what I have done/said is just not good enough regardless of how hard I was trying, I would have never thought about how I unwillingly/unknowingly do that to others. Freaking humility! I mean, I am so glad I get to learn this wonderful lesson. It is excruciatingly painful for us when we do all that we believe is good for others just to have it thrown back into our faces. My head hangs in shame for being blind to what I have needed to be doing all along and really have only been selfish, at times. That makes me want to vomit a little bit. Ok, a lot.
I can sit here and wallow in my heartache or pity or whatever other words, OR I can lead all of my emotions instead of letting them lead me. I have always strived to do what I thought people wanted. I have always strived to be what I thought people wanted. What a fool I have been! I have been so busy listening to what I thought was right and have practiced selective hearing when it has come to what God says is right. I could sit here and type how unfair or hard I believe things to be. Note to self: Oh Boo hoo!
The reality is that nowhere is it written that life is, or has to be, fair or easy.
In fact, we are told that we will absolutely have troubles and sad times in our lives. Period. We WILL have troubles! We WILL have sad times! How we deal with them is a totally different blog post.
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” — John 16: 33
Troubles and sorrows stink! I have felt really irritated, pissed off, and mistrusting at/in God this past week. That last sentence contradicts my belief in John 16:33. The thing about that, though, is that the horrible feelings I have had this past week have led to some very peaceful moments when I have allowed God in. Today, I took a proverbial slap in the face that I was not expecting. It took that “trial” to make me see things from a different perspective. It took that trial for me to be able to stand in someone else’s shoes. For those I have looked to for everything I’ve needed at one point or another, I apologize and ask for your forgiveness. We, in this world, look in so many wrong places for happiness, satisfaction, comfort, and love. It’s what we as human beings automatically do. The world is an evil place where our attention has been adverted elsewhere for our basic needs, but even though I had been aware of that for a while, now, I see it even more clearly, today. While it is perfectly okay to love one another and to accept love and companionship with one another, people of this world are not the ultimate need fillers.
This is what I know to be true (you do not have to like it or agree with it):
But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. 5 Those people belong to this world, so they speak from the world’s viewpoint, and the world listens to them. 6 But we belong to God, and those who know God listen to us. If they do not belong to God, they do not listen to us. That is how we know if someone has the Spirit of truth or the spirit of deception. — 1 John 4:4-6
I have been the victim of worldly deceit entirely way too long. I’m tired.
I can be pissed off at God. He’s a big boy and can handle it. I know that when I am confused and hurt, He hurts with me. He knows my heart, and that is what I need to focus on. There are some things in this life that are just going to be the way they are. I have no control over how anyone else takes care of those things. I do have control over how I take care of those things. I cannot be starving for “food” from others and expect to get it. It is achingly unfair to others and to myself. Others cannot depend on me to give them what they REALLY need, either. I can love you, help you as much as humanly possible, listen to you, and other things, but I cannot give you what you REALLY need. No human being can.
I know this truth, also:
Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer[a] is overcome by some sin, you who are godly[b]should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. 2 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. 3 If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important. — Galatians 6:1-3
I do know my limitations. I want to be that person who “gently and humbly” helps you. I am not your happiness. You are not my happiness. This I now know completely and humbly.
I did pray to be humbled, and boy have I been pummeled to my knees. Even as I write this, I feel the humility that I have prayed for continuing to be thrust upon me. It does not always feel so great. Rarely, does it feel great.
However, I’d rather be drowned in humility than to be “rescued” by pride.