Just when I believe I am getting the hang of what God wants me to do, I learn that I am totally wrong. Totally wrong. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it’s pretty close. It’s a case where I believe I understand what the Bible wants me to know. I believe I grasp the idea just to read or be told that is just not the case. Overwhelmed just does not cut it. There is so much information that I need to learn. I want to learn.
The most recent lesson I need/want to learn is the “Guard your heart” concept. There is no need for me to pretend that I am even close to understanding and living it the exact way I need to. Feelings of shame for not knowing that concept have crept in. Okay, okay, they drop in like a nuclear bomb and obliterate all things I thought I knew. I would NEVER put that on somebody else who did not know. The best thing to do when you do not know something is to ask someone who does know.
I thought I was doing the best thing for myself, and that tends to be a selfish thing if it is done to cause hurt toward others. I do not ever intend to hurt others, but building a wall around my heart is painful for me and others who maybe are doing the best they can to have a relationship with me. I am working on trying to understand that others loving me in their own ways may not be the way I want. Ugh. Growing as a person feels like major suckage, sometimes. Growth is necessary, but it can be painful.
I am to love others as Christ has loved me. Blinders lead me to believe that I have not treated God as poorly as others have treated me. Blinders lead me to believe that others are just trying to manipulate me into getting what they want. My blinders are victim blinders. I would rather eat the stuff stuck to the bottom of my shoes than say that, again. It’s true, however. Victims become self-seeking. Blah! Self-seeking.
1 Corinthians 13:5 Love’s ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for itself
“EVER FAIR…NO THOUGHT FOR ITSELF”
GAH! I know I am not the only person struggling with this, but I do feel like it, sometimes. I want to be a loving and fair person. I want to not be so stuck on being a victim that I forget others have been victimized, also. So much to learn, and I have a lifetime to learn whatever it is. I do not know how long that lifetime will be, so I probably shouldn’t wait to try to learn them. I am fortunate I have people I can ask. People who are loving and gentle.
I totally do not understand everything in the Bible. It baffles my mind, really. I just want to love God and love others, as I have been loved.
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. — 1 Corinthians 13:3
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. — Luke 6:35-36
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. — Proverbs 4:23
Be blessed and be a blessing.