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If You Really Knew Me

27 Oct

MTV used to have a series on called, “If You Really Knew Me.”  I never watched it and didn’t cry.  As Wikipedia describes it, “If You Really Knew Me is an American reality television series which aired on MTV that focuses on youth subculture and different cliques in high schools. Students from each clique participate in Challenge Day,[1] which is a program designed to break down stereotypes and unite students in schools. At Challenge Day, students from all walks of life gather together in one room. Then each student is assigned to a group where they must reveal something personal about themselves. It’s at this point where each student begins their dialogue with the words “If you really knew me…” The goal of Challenge Day is to demonstrate to students the possibility of love and connection through the celebration of diversity, truth, and full expression.”

It only aired for one season before MTV decided it wasn’t good enough to continue airing.  (Biggest eye roll ever!)  As a therapist, I use it now as part of my processing groups where I work.  It is mostly successful.  There are some who just completely refuse to participate.  There are some who cannot wait until it is their turn to speak.  I do not make anyone do anything they feel unsafe doing.  I do, however, strongly encourage everyone to participate.  I do this with adolescents, young adults, middle-aged adults, and senior citizens.  Someone is always moved to tears.  Sometimes, that someone is me.  I know that each of us show the world exactly what we want the world to see.  It’s a protection against hate, judgment, embarrassment, shame, guilt, and fear.  I give strict instructions that there will be no disrespect, nor will there be any judgments passed on anyone who chooses to speak.  Anyone who feels they cannot follow those rules is given permission to leave before the activity starts.  No one has ever left.  I believe this activity gives individuals permission to be honest with others.  I think more importantly, it gives them a chance to be honest with themselves.  That’s when healing can begin.  If you, to yourself, began a sentence with, “If you really knew me….,” how would it end?  How would you fill in those blanks?  Now, I’m not asking you to share that with the world, but I do challenge you to bring that in to your conscious mind.  We all have a dark, ugly, sludge-filled place within us.  Some are just more willing to share that than others.  There is nothing wrong with it.  There is nothing right with it.  It just is.  Without further ado, I will take my turn.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I love sports.  I love the Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Braves, Los Angeles Lakers, and the New York Rangers.  If you really knew me, you would know that I love soccer.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I played soccer for three years in high school, and I was co-MVP with two of my good friends.  If you really knew me, you’d know I played goalie.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I was a very big tomboy.  I liked to climb trees, play football in the street, and play baseball in an empty field.  I also did those things with all boys because I was pretty much the only girl on my block my age.  If you really knew me, you’d know my favorite color is black.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I love scary movies, but I also love sappy movies just as much.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m a 1980’s fanatic!  The music, the movies, the television shows.  They were all pretty great.  Cheesy…but great.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I was sexually abused at a very early age.  If you really knew me, you’d know that physical and verbal abuse was also involved.  If you really knew me, you’d know I was considered either a slut or a lesbian in high school.  I was neither, by the way.  If you really knew me, you’d know I was a very angry person for a very long time.  I would want to fight someone just because they blinked in my direction.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I have had depression and anxiety my entire life.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I also struggle intensely with body image.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I sometimes binge eat.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I deal with chronic pain every single day of my life.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I wasn’t always a believer of God.  If you really knew me, you’d know that there are only three men in my entire life who never hurt me.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I have self-medicated.  If you really knew me, you’d know that sometimes I eat my emotions.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I was not always a good mom.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I have apologized for that and asked forgiveness.  If you really knew me, you’d know that when I love, I do it with all my heart and soul.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I am so in love with my kids, husband, son-in-law, and grandkids.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I believe there is only one God.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m pretty much in love with Him, too.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I work very hard to be a good friend.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I would never hurt someone on purpose.  If you really knew me, you’d know I would have never shared any of this with the world just a few years ago.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I am a happily married woman of twenty-two years.  If you really knew me, you’d know that water calms my soul.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I love hugs.  If you really knew me, you’d know that I believe that you are important and nothing, nor anybody, can make your level of importance any less or any more.  You are important because you breathe, because you were placed on this earth to exist.  If you really knew me.

Well, there you go.  Now, you really know me.  You are free to do what you will with that information.  I couldn’t stop you even if I wanted to.  What you should know, though, is that I share those things to let others know that they are not alone.  That someone cares.  That someone is here.

I hope that if you are still reading this that this blog post has challenged you to start healing from whatever pain you suffer with.  I hope you know that things can, and do, get better.  I hope you know that I love you in the purest way possible.  May God bless you with an abundance of grace and mercy.

Be blessed and be a blessing.

P.S. GO COWBOYS! DC4L!  🙂

Click here for help regarding suicidal feelings.

Click here for help in dealing with sexual abuse.

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Posted by on October 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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